It finally hit me this week that I actually live in Busan now.
I’m not just on vacation, but I actually live here. The other day, I finally cried about leaving Seoul. Only took two months to hit me..
Life good here. I have an great job, live right by the beach, have an awesome roommate, can walk 7 minutes to church and 30-seconds to the subway. My apartment is at least three times bigger than my previous one, as is my bedroom. And, I have a Costco membership now.
But I miss my old life in Seoul, too. The foreign food marts, my old sub shop, the bakery I used to frequent. And the people. All the relationships I built the past 2.5 years, all the people who knew me and lit up when they saw me.
New beginnings are hard for me, because they require a lot of initiative.
You have to figure out where the bank is and which grocery store has the crackers you like to eat. You have learn new bus routes and search out opportunities to do the activities you like. You have to build up a new network of resources and contacts, and you have to make new friends.
Everything takes a bit more effort. Some things take a lot more effort.
Things are building slowly.
New routines, activities, and relationships––that one is the most essential yet elusive. But sometimes I make the mistake of comparing my life to friends and acquaintances who are settled in life––married, getting married, raising children, doing jobs they feel passionate about––and I end up feeling like my life is empty and confused.
What am I doing here? What am I doing with my life, really?
It hit me the other day that this is the only life I get.
I can’t go backwards or get younger, I can only get older. I suddenly wondered if I didn’t have regrets.
Haven’t I always wanted to get married and have kids? Wasn’t the clock ticking on that one? Wasn’t my biggest passion in life always playing the piano? Whatever happened to that?
Thankfully, instead of letting these questions fester inside, I brought them all to my best friend.Who also happens to be the Creator of the Universe. He set me straight.
He asked the question He often asks in these moments: “Do you trust me?”
As memories of a lifetime of His faithfulness to me suddenly flooded my mind, I began to laugh. How could I not trust Him?
In an instant, my perspective flipped upside down. I’m not living for myself! I’m living for Him.
That changes everything.
If I were living for myself, I would find plenty to regret. I would constantly question whether my job, my relationships, and my day-to-day activities were fulfilling me or not. I would beat myself up for all the potential I was wasting instead of reveling in the little victories of the day.
Living for Him means I am not the judge of the success of my life, He is.
He says that even when I suffer, even when I feel lonely and lost, nothing is wasted. He tells me He is proud of all the little things I do. And He shows me how powerful and important I am in the Kingdom. How celebrated and valued I am.
What am I doing with my life, this one life that I have?
I am laying it down wholeheartedly at His feet. I’m giving it fully to Kingdom work. And as I do, I find joy overtaking my heart.
What makes your life valuable? What do you think heaven celebrates about you?