While I was lying in bed last night, two car crashes happened outside my open window. It was somewhat terrifying to be half-asleep and hear that screech of tires followed by the crash of metal and glass. Even though I was lying safely indoors up on the fourth floor, I felt as if the cars were crashing into me.
It reminded me of how I sometimes feel like my world is falling apart when in reality, all is well.
Sometimes I feel like I am living in the dark. I can’t see anything. Everything seems uncertain, undefined, unstable. So when I hear threatening sounds right beside me, I get scared. But the truth is that I don’t have to understand everything that is happening around me in order to be safe. I just have to stick with someone who does.
~In order to sleep, you have to close your eyes. How could I ever do that if I thought I was on my own? How would I ever find rest in the midst of an unpredictable world?~
Last night, the first accident really shook me. I popped up right away, put on my glasses, and peered out my window, trying to see what had happened. (Some trees were blocking my view, so I could only see the car headlights and deduce from there.) But when the second one happened several hours later, I didn’t even fully wake up (which is why I’m still not 100% sure it really happened, but I’m pretty sure it did). I just cringed, eyes closed, as I heard the crash, briefly wondered to myself if this accident was related to the first one, then fell back asleep.
Recently, life has been a little rough, exhausting, and scary. (Life transitions and weeks leading up to recitals tend to be like that for me.) But ultimately, what is being produced in me through all of it is fearlessness. The threatening sounds lose their power to intimidate me, because again and again I find that I am safe.