Sometimes I wonder about things. Other times I simply stand in wonder.
Do you know that there is always more?
There is always more. It’s just a question of whether you want it.
This past weekend was my church’s all-church retreat. Friday was a national holiday here in Korea, so we got to have a FOUR-DAY retreat! (Thank you, Buddha’s birthday.) As usual and as expected, it was words-can’t-begin-to-explain-it, hands-down-behind-your-back, mind-blown AMAZING.
It was intense though. I have a full-time job now, so I have to be realistic about sleep schedules and nipping sicknesses in the bud. (Stupid sicknesses.) At one particular moment on Saturday afternoon, when I was feeling exhausted, craving a plain old nap more than anything else, I realized that I had the option to say, “No thank you.” I could close my heart if I wanted to. I could disengage, not ask for more, decide that what I had already received (which was a lot) was enough.
In that moment, God reminded me of Moses.
Moses, the guy who saw the burning bush – a random bush sitting in the middle of the desert that burned and burned and never consumed itself. A bush that spoke. A bush from which came the voice of God. That right there is pretty supernatural and crazy.
Moses, the man who called down the 10 plagues from heaven. Moses who parted the Red Sea. Moses who saw God face to face. In the Bible, he is only one of whom it is said, “He spoke to God face to face.” He had a little tent that was set aside just for him to meet with God, and he would come out with his face shining from the glory.
Moses is the guy who went up on the mountain to receive the 10 commandments (inscribed on stone by the finger of God). He is the guy who stayed up on that mountain for 40 days, just enjoying the consuming fire, glory cloud of God (Exodus 24:17-18). (Sounds incredible and intense and trippy.)
Yet after all that, was Moses satisfied? No. In a very good way, he was not.
Exodus 33:18: Then Moses said, “Now show me your glory.”
Did God chastise Moses for his greediness? Was He upset by his seemingly insatiable appetite for experiencing His glory? No. He gave him what he asked. He caused “ALL His goodness” to pass in front of him.
God loves it when we hunger for more of Him. There is always more He wants to give us.
So I ended up telling God I was hungry for more. I told Him I wanted more.
What did He give me? I really can’t put it into words.. But since the only medium through which I can communicate on this blog is words, I’ll just say this:
I think I understand more fully now how Mary felt when the angel of God told her she was going to give birth to the Son of God.
This young girl, pure-hearted but unknown and unproved to the world, called to carry the seed of God in her womb. Wow. Is that something you can explain to people? Is that something you can expect anyone to understand? That’s unheard of. That’s scandalous and strange. In the moment the angel appeared to her, she must have anticipated the misunderstanding, the shame. But she said a wholehearted YES to Him.
“I am the Lord’s servant. May it be to me as you have said.” That was her response. Unquestioning obedience. She loved God.
God has spoken promises to me, tiny seeds He has planted in me that are as yet invisible and unprovable, only words heard in the secret place, unwitnessed by anyone. He has been bringing confirmation through select people (as He did to Mary through Joseph and Elizabeth), but it is all only words. Even me, the carrier of the promise, could easily doubt. He says there is a baby growing inside me, but I can’t feel anything. There is no protrusion, no kicking, only occasional morning sickness that could be written off as mere food poisoning.
But I believe His words.
And though what He promises me may be crazier and bigger than what I had always envisioned for myself, though it may even invite misunderstanding and criticism, I can’t help but rejoice as Mary did. I can’t help but praise His name.
The truth is that God created me for these big, crazy things. I can feel it deep inside.
My mind may be saying, “What..? I don’t know..” But the deepest desires of my heart awaken at His words and cry out a mighty YES. May it be to me as You have said!