Last Friday night, I sobbed really, really hard for a really, really long time. One of those all-alone-in-the-dark-of-your-room-when-you-should-be-sleeping kind of intense sobbing sessions.
The thing is, I am so thankful for that experience. Because it showed me who I am:
I belong to Jesus. 100%.
Not exactly a new statement, but something He keeps establishing deeper and deeper within me. It’s easy to say, “Your will be done,” when everything is going the way you want it to go. But what about when it isn’t? What about when He asks for things you never thought you’d have to sacrifice? Things for which your entitlement was so ingrained, the thought of Him asking never even occurred to you?
Well, Friday night proved once again that I will always say Yes to Him.
Sometimes I feel a longing deep down inside, so strong and fierce I can’t contain it.
A longing for love. That’s what I was crying about on Friday. I was hit with that deep yearning, not just a desire or a wish, but a deep, intense, life-defining NEED. The thing is, I know He is the only one who can fill that need. I know that. That’s why I brought that need to Him. That’s why I brought all of myself, bared my whole heart, to Him.
Sometimes all I can do is cry out the name of Jesus. So that’s what I do.
But as someone pointed out to me, that’s so good.
In my darkest hour, when I am overwhelmed by desperate need, and all I know is I LACK, I cry out His name. And He is always faithful to answer. He has been my whole life. He was on Friday. (I can’t forget the way he calmed me and carried me into peaceful sleep.)
Last Saturday and Sunday were pretty incredible. God showed me that He is preparing me right now for some amazing, powerful things. He gave me glimpses of what those things are. He affirmed some of the dreams and desires that have been growing in my heart, and He filled me with His JOY on a deeper level than ever before. (He keeps doing that!)
But as I look back, Friday night was the most precious moment of the weekend. That was the moment when I had nothing, but I still chose Him.
What carries me through life is the reality that nothing can separate me from Him.
Whatever destinies or plans, blessings or hardships He has in store are all secondary to that truth. That is how I know that in the end, everything will be worth itㅡon that day, I will see Him face to face.
In the end, I will receive the only reward my heart has ever really longed for: Jesus.