Lately I’ve been wondering about the meaning of my life.
Right now. In these minutes and hours that are filling my days. What is the measure of these moments?
Sometimes it feels like I’m just barely getting by.
The past few months have been busy.
I’ve been balancing a lot of duties, roles, goals, and relationships, and it’s been exhausting. I’ve felt desperate for refreshing in a way that I haven’t in a long time. It’s brought flashbacks of high school when life often felt like an endless list of tasks and responsibilities that drained me to the point of hopelessness. I’m tempted to GO GO GO and then CRASH, which for me means shutting everyone out and not thinking for as long as possible. (Even accomplishing that goal can be a challenge, because my brain is not naturally good at shutting off..)
It doesn’t feel like a very meaningful way to live––being what I have to be and then crashing into a pile of mush. I want to enjoy my life, not just fill it with hours of alternating busyness and inactivity.
The other night, when I was plodding zombie-like towards my bed, feeling like I should probably pray, but telling myself I was too tired, God said to me,
“If you knew the power and impact of all those things you do that make you so tired, you would realize it’s all worth it.”
I burst into tears.
It’s one thing to know that God loves me. That’s important to grasp. That He really, really loves me. Even when I do stupid things and dig myself into holes, He comes and rescues me––He never leaves me behind. He says, “No, we have to go back for her.” I see Him do that for me all the time, and it overwhelms me.
But it’s another thing entirely to realize that what I’m doing matters. That’s really important too.
The moments of my day aren’t just minutes that get counted and spent. They are full of meaning. First, because they matter to Him. Even when no one else sees, He sees. Even when I fail to recognize the value of the moment, He knows it.
Second, because of people. A lot of my minutes are spent interacting with people in some form or other (which is why I get so drained haha). People are always significant. Even when I am unaware of it, I am impacting others and they are changing me.
Third, because I am living my life with Him.
It’s so easy to measure my life by what I have produced or accomplished, what I can put on a resume or monetize. But the way God views life is completely different:
It’s all about relationship.
Enjoying with Him. Appreciating with Him. Enduring for Him. Getting up and pushing through for Him. Trusting Him. Delighting in Him. When you’re living out of love, in love, for love, it all doesn’t feel so hard.
If there’s only one thing my tired brain can remember, I want it to be that: relationship. The measure of my life is relationship. It’s not about getting from point A to point B, it’s about choosing love and receiving it. It’s about turning toward a Person and being open to what He has to say.
What truths ground you in the busy moments of life?